Tomarrow I'll be on a plane headed for my kinda' town. That'e where I started all my crazy dreaming. I had a dream I was a superhero! (Last night!) Ever seen Hellboy? It was like Selma Blair's character, I could control and light myself on fire. I made an energy ball and when I stopped concentrating it dissipated. There were two rings involved. The second gave me more power. It's been six months since I got my stem cells back. It still amazes me ~ I had a freaking stem cell transplant. I was sick. Now I'm better. I've had a difficult time but I can't wait to get a menial job again. Go to bar, maybe get a little drunk. I've had enough drugs though - trust me maybe much better than what you can find on the street! I've had some that were worse. Since I was 16, I've been *sick girl.* I'm hopeing my nurse and doctor give me the okay to live again. My whole fucking life has been on hold for... eight years! I'm excited. Sad... there are still issues I'll have to deal with when they get here. My middle name, Serious Fucking Issues. I should finish packing. I'm glad Christian isn't sick. I'm glad Elise is happily anticipating her trip to New York. I'm glad Anthony wants to go shopping with her. I'm glad Jeremy is opening his heart to new experiences. I'm glad Ryan at least calls me. I'm glad Akiba has turned crafty. I'm glad I can battle with Heather about Garden State.
I want to reinvent myself. (But keep all that glad...)

okay.... GO!

I just dicovered Radio AOL - even Christian might like it concidering the station I'm listening to has played well over 50% of his posted music. Ryan, if he found some way to get his music on there would be a favorite. Easy.
After I voted, I went to the library. I voted, it's called an absente ballot people! I'm going to be in Chicago for the primary. Anthony, yes I looked them up and tried to find out where they stand on "the issues." What I decided will now be voted on by the rest of my family. No one else wanted to look anything up, so they vote'n who I want them to vote for. All six of them.
At the library of course one book came to the brain. Candyfreak. Duh. Per chance the St. Cloud library had a copy. Yes, I'm addicted to sugar. After reading the first couple chapters... so what??? So far... I like the book...
My mother bought me a belt. I never understood these devices that are meant to keep your pants up. I never wanted to. Can't you just wear pants that fit? Now that I'm thin enough to wear shirts slightly smaller, slightly shorter, slightly sexier, I realize belt and braclets are my new needed fashion must. I don't like belt loops without a little color inbetween. I still think people should just wear pants that fit - but...
I've also started to look at belt buckles - I still have to do more research on these foreign objects. They excite and fill me with wonder... it's kinda scary.
My mother also bought me a watch. It's not MINE, but I'm going to have to pay for my own $100 happiness. It is 'sorta' like my digital dream. But it was $15... she was okay with paying that and it's got three different bands - fantastic. Plus I can sew my own if I get tired of those!
I'm wearing a necklace with a bead from the ones I stole? from Jeremy's. CONSTANTLY. I'll be wearing it to Chicago. I wrote about these beads before. It, the bead, reminds me of when I used to go to film festivals, when I used to 'hang out' with people who I always knew had something to say. It reminds me of NASA and crashed rockets, sitting in cookies, Ryan getting drunk. I felt like I was a part of something fucking spectacular. It reminds me of all the Queequeg boys.
I can't believe the way I look - I can't even remember when I was 154 lbs. AND I don't look swollen. I feel great. Lonely but great. Even my hair looks cute and punky. I've been getting looks. ME! From not just any guys but cute ones! Okay so you have the occ. child molester but that's any girl... Before I started going out with Ry, I was told that I looked like I'd bite a guys head off if he started talking to me... I hope I don't do that now...
I'm trying to smile - all the time - Trying... you never know who's falling in love with it.

need to go to Chicago. want to have lots of fun. need to have more fun. need to get ON with my life. want to find... want to find... need to get my act together. want to go to college. need to vote. need to vote. need to vote. want to change the world. need to get more creative. want to be wonderful doing it. want to be wonderful. want to move out. NEED to move out. need to appreciate my family more. need to do the same for friends. want to be liked by everyone. need to get healthy. need to not be sick. want to forget. need to remember. want to keep typing. need to get off the computer...want to find..........

My dad hobbles in from the garage. Clutching his right leg, blood all over his clothes dripping into the kitchen. I didn’t scream.
“Could you lower the volume? That’s why I wanted you to spot me.”
(Justification #1 = I wasn’t just running around the house dancing to music. I was inside doing the dishes and cleaning! It’s just that there is no one else home!)
“What did you do?!”
“I fell off the roof – he (our neighbor) warned me not to do it alone.”
We patched him up, band aids, gauze, tape… he’s bleeding less now. He may have been hurt but I think it was mostly his ego. Then… he got right back on the roof. Just so you know, this isn’t just because he likes to hang out on the roof – we lost some shingles and he was replacing them.

I didn’t even hear him fall!

With a lame leg, I don’t even know how he got through the garage. It’s a fuck’n mess and there is a mattress blocking the door. He started comparing himself to superheroes.
“I’m not Superman, I can’t bounce back like I used to!”
“Yah, you could have flown down.”
“Or that Demon boy jumping on and off,” (we just watched Hellboy so I’m pretty sure that’s who he meant.
“Or Spiderman – just crawl up and down.”

My dad’s a character. He’s always reminded me of Bruce Willis, John Travolta, and Tim Allen stuck in the body of one man. One super man!

I really love that movie...

No one can blame you
For walking away
Too much rejection
No love injection
Life can be easy
It's not always swell
Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl
'Cause it hurts like hell (echo)
But down in the underground (oh oh oh oh oh)
You'll find someone true (down underground)
Down in the underground (oh oh oh oh oh)
A land serene (oh oh oh oh)
A crystal moon, ah, ah

I don’t think sleeping recharges my batteries. I can sleep for three days and feel exhausted. But when I dream, I wake up like a new person. I wonder if ‘dreamer’ is in the dictionary. I dream just about every night. I used to write them down and study them and I could control them. When I started to have power over them I started to get tired and very unhealthy looking. I stopped writing them down – sounds weird, well it was. Last night when I went to bed I was rather disheveled. I had had a conversation with a friend of mine and was left with just a super unsettling feeling. I was sad.

I’ve been sad a lot more lately. I don’t like it – it’s not my favorite feeling and if I wanted to be depressed I’d probably have to take a few bitches with me.

Last night while the man on the moon was playing host to the Little Prince, I was dreaming. I was in school. Lately a nice assortment of dreams in the classroom. I was maybe second row. Typical authoritarian arrangement. Mid-teacher lecture the principal walks in. Pointing to the back row calls up this boy from the back row. Something about him not being able to take the course. The boy moves forward and sits in the seat front and center. “What movie will you watch?” The male principal proceeds to list about four movies. My boy looks straight at him and claims a title not on the list. Labyrinth.
Then I woke up.

I dreamt about Ryan getting a flat on the way to St. Augustine. It’s a great song too. I used to get a dream about being attacked by bats, there was more to it than that but basically that was my recurring nightmare. It’s morphed. Different night’s dream. It was the same dream but my fears have changed.

Things in my dreams come true. Stranger things have happed.

She said she didn’t like the ending. The characters were not believable. She just didn’t like it – and she’s loved Zach Braff forever… I found someone who didn’t like Garden State. I thought the movie was damn amazing. She said there were times when she remembered she was in a theatre. My favorite part was when they were at the bar and she explains how she laughs about her sickness, he’s taking it as serious as a person outside would take it – but her dialogue was fucking DEAD ON! This girlie that I have found said the character wouldn’t have done a 360. Maybe a 180. Gone back gotten his stuff quit his job ~ whatever. I thought it was perfect. Partially because of the first scene, his dream about crashing on the plane… go back on the plane, go back to that anesthetized feeling, his own personal death – hell… I have dreams like that. Oh yes, why he did a 360… he didn’t want to be numb anymore – and if your going to feel something, isn’t LOVE the best emotion one could hope for? This *her* is a friend I have in Chicago which shall remain nameless – I have a feeling while I’m up there – a week discussion will ensue. The pro and cons of Garden State. She seemed pretty adamant about not liking it so I doubt anything I say will change her mind… but she did say she couldn’t wait till Braff strikes again.

Also I said a quote to Christian the other day and he had said he never related to that quote before, then talking to Elise the other day she had said she never related to a movie before…

I’ll be in Chicago next week!!!! I can’t wait!!!!
*squeek*