It’s funny how life works. The outside of my journal has a marigold and gold very stylized sun on either cover. I decided to write out lyrics that have to do with the sun on all the rays protruding from it’s face. See if you know who sings some of these…
1. SUNNY DAYS chasing the clouds away…
2. IM GO’NA SOKE UP THE SUN GO’NA TELL EVERYONE TO LIGHTEN UP…
3. I TRY TO LOOK UP TO THE SUN BUT MY EYES BURN…
4. SUNNY, YESTERDAY MY LIFE WAS FILLED WITH RAIN
5. LET THE SUNSHINE, LET THE SUN SHINE IN…
6. I’LL SURF TILL THE SUN SETS BEYOND THE HORIZON…
7. COME TASTE THE SUNSWEET BERRIES OF THE EARTH
8. I AM THE SON & THE HEIR/ I AM THE SUN & THE AIR
9. ON AN ISLAND IN THE SUN WE CAN PLAY AND HAVE SOME FUN
10. FROM THE DAY WE ARRIVE ON THE PLANET AND BLINKING STEP INTO THE SUN…
11. YOU’RE THE ONE YOU’RE THE SUNSHINE
12. MIGHT AS WELL BE WALKING ON THE SUN
13. BLACK HOLE SUN wont’cha come
14. GOOD DAY SUNSHINE….
15. HERE COMES THE SUN…
16. YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE OF MY LIFE…
17. YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE MY ONLY SUNSHINE
18. SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDER MAKES ME HAPPY…
19. I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE…
20. SUNSHINE, LOLLYPOPS & RAINBOWS…
I gave my little sun on the front cover the makeup of Death, the neil gainman comic book character, on the back cover Peter, of Kiss. When my sisters and I dressed up as Kiss for Halloween he’s the one I dressed up as. In the inside cover there are three more suns… they will get to be the other member of Kiss. (You know I just love to get off topic.)
N.E.Way…….
I was asking anyone who walked past me for songs that had to do with the sun, the above playlist being what was come up with. One of my favorite Cure songs is called Mint Car…
“the sun is up I’m so happy I could scream!”
It would have the word ‘sun’ in the very first line…
“and there’s nowhere else in the world i’d rather be”
I almost shot myself…
“than here with you it’s perfect, it’s all I ever wanted *oh*”
How could I have forgotten?
“i almost can’t believe that it’s for real”
You can say that again…
“so kiss me quick *ah*”
BRILLANCE HAS STRUCK! BLESS THAT ROBERT SMITH! (He married his high school sweet heart you know!)
Two wonderful thing happened – I got a title for my journal (Mint Car, to be written on the spine.) And something for the first page – I have this lovely habit of never putting anything on the first blank page of my journals because nothing ever seems to be important enough – nothing ever fits just quite right. When I get a new journal it’s hard enough to taint the lovely new pages with my crap! The first page… nothing ever…. NADA! Excuse me I have to go dance around a bit brb….

…better… okay so on the first page I’m going to put the lyrics to Mint Car… the title is so marvelously off in left field, and the lyrics are so brilliantly sunny and lovely.

VOILA!

This is another one of by kittens, Laia - Like the Princess from the Star Wars movies.


This is Godzilla. She's the smallest mammal we own. (Or maybe she owns us!)


I dislike stuffed animals, I find they are a lot like crack. The only two I have found I can tolerate are my build-a-bear/lion and one I have of Jack Skellington's dog, Zero. Here's my lion with her faerie dress on and my doggie Mapo.

…problems. The world is full of pointless problems, terribly important to whoever – virtually nonexistent to everyone else. My current crisis as such is… I like to blog. I love to blog. (What the hell kind of a word is blog?) I’m on the computer typing away frequently. I’m not the best writer – but that’s not really what it’s about is it? What do you do, show off in front of your friends? Try to tone down the truth so no one takes offence? Bullshit?
I am *so* not saying that is wrong.
Who reads blogs anyway? Who cares?! Eeeeh……. I’m just a little mad right now…cause of that problem. I kinda need the computer to blog and my mother doesn’t want me on the computer anymore. Apparently I have the computer all day… that’s her problem. She can’t say I don’t let anyone else use the computer because the truth is if anyone wants it I have no difficulty handing the computer (it’s a new nice laptop!) to whom ever wants to play with the new toy…just gimme a couple minutes to let me save whatever I’m doing and it’s yours. So right here and now people – I am saving up all my pennies for a laptop ~ Maybe I’ll paint it pink… red? *Natasha* needs her own computer keys…
Speaking of blogs – I have a blog. Also have a journal. I love my blog – I love to rant but all my real stuff goes into the journal. I have letters I’ve never sent tucked in the pages… some of the best writing I’ll ever do I think – but I’ll never send those letters. I don’t let people read my journal either.
            I used to think I needed lines. All my other journals, since… oh my goodness… since the second grade? maybe? It was poems and stories and songs – doodles, lots of doodles. It was really thick inch and a half? It had bright blue binding and corner…things… it was an Asian jacquard print – I thought it was gorgeous and I still have it somewhere…… anyway, it has lines *blue ones.* My favorite kind of journal was the composition notebook (it has lines) – I think my favorite ever ~ I decorated the outside of this comp. book (I hated the cow’wannabe thing.) with black electrical tape – very straight lined – across the front and back cover. This was my freshman year in high school. That was certainly a year of change… then sophomore year *Natasha* was QUEEN of the I’m going to skip school people. In Chicago I’d skip and go to libraries and museums and zoos…. here… there’s nothing to do! My second sophomore year I got freak’n straight A’s….sad state of affairs. That was also when I got diagnosed with lupus, put on an obscene amount of prednisone, move to a new state, cut off from the whole damn world… oi… when I met Ryan I sort of stopped journaling – cause of college – I still wrote, but I focused on other creative pursuits…but no crystallized language my friends. I started up again after I got sick this last time, with a journal without lines. I feel like I've been born again. My pages are half full, I want to start shopping for some new ones. No lines...... 
            I told someone, I’m pretty sure it was Christian, that if I got a blog I’d be forced to put all these emotional entries. I couldn’t just skim the surface, I’d be just too damn ‘open.’
“At this moment this is me at my most masochistic…” but I have to admit, all my really juicy thought processes are kept in my journal. Today I was actually going to share some of that – a letter – strike that ~ an epic poem to Ryan. I didn’t because I was feeling when I wrote it, and with the last word feeling was gone. Now the importance, urgency, and fervor are over.
     The last word was cinder.
A phoenix rises up out of ashes.
 
Earlier today, my sister and I were driving – she had the radio on – I’m an adamant believer in whoever is driving gets to pick the music. Veruca Salt, Seather…..(sp?)  was playing. Then – some weird jamaican music started playing. I asked the heavens to please make this a good song…”whenever i’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again” Granted it was not the Cure singing it – but this is the worlds greatest love song. The cover band didn’t sing the ‘fly me to the moon part.’ This is a sign. Lovesong – with Robert Smith singing would have been the best but ladies and gents… but…this is a sign. Something good is going to happen, it’s not going to be tomorrow – maybe even not next week… but it’s on the verge. Though I can’t go to the concert – their close… it’s close. The future. Something permenante.

I'm still figure'n this out...
 

Congrats Robin and Todd!
 

One of my sexy kittens, Yogi
 

Happy 21st Birthday Tony! Your first legal pina colada - *sniffle*

Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh
Totally motionless except for her heart
Mud flowed up into Lump’s pyjammas
She totally confused all the passing piranhas...
 
These lyrics would have been ten times better if...
 Totally motionless.... was Totally emotionless...

...i throughly believe in ice cream bars, but i hate the taste of those wooden sticks...

I have two rants today. One will be babble about myself, the other about people my age…HA! HA! I will start with myself (so there!)
Yesterday, oh my… I was *blech*, *blah*, and *hurumph*. I was thinking I’m going to have to ask my friends to kick my butt because I was really kind of – not inspired. (Maybe I just needed some sleep?) I don’t know? But at the moment…when I woke up this morning – I felt so good. = I sew. = I think you all know that if you need some curtains I could help you out…I got the Queequeg shirts done. Before today I was ready to bash my sewing machine into a mechanical mess. I just couldn’t sew! Now, At this moment I am yearning to wrap myself in fabric and thread.
I didn’t really want to write (not that I conjure words like Jeremy or Christian anyway but still!) – I didn’t want to even look at all my pretty markers, pens, and paint… I normally adore paper and I was ready to put my nice expensive paper on the floor…for my dogs… if you have dogs you’ll know what I mean. - - - I am so ready to go art iNsAnE. I am in an awesome mood….I’m fucking euphoric…why? Who the hell knows but I’m going to stop questioning it. I think I’m going to sew Samantha, my American Girl doll, her Gryffindor (Harry Potter for all you muggles,) uniform. I just need some dark grey fabric! That doll has a more interesting wardrobe that me. Any whoo!!!

Lethargic and listless – say goodbye!
…what kind of magic spell to use? Slime and snails – or puppy dog tails – thunder or lightning… but baby said…..dance, Magic dance, Magic dance….. (<- that’s from Labyrinth *hee hee hee*)

*GLURP* ~ RANT TWO!
I was elevator hopping with a bunch of people in their 80’s. They were cracking jokes and commenting cheerfully and playing around… I was having a great time with these blue hairs. (I can say that cause I have two different colors of blue hair dye so I can be a blue hair as well.)
When I hang out with people closer to my own age, all most of them ever talk about is being depressed – “I’m sooo angst…”
He loves me not.
I can’t. I can’t.
Let’s drown are sorrows…
Good lord people! Give it up! How old are you? Twenty one, Twenty two? These should be the best years of your life! Do you honestly HONESTLY think you have it that bad? Get off your ass and get out there and use the gifts that god gave you! All the people I know are wonderful, beautiful, talented – fucking creative people… what are they doing with all that gloriousness…. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! It’s okay to be happy! I’m happy just because I know these amazing people. We may not be best friends but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t help you out if you asked. I see all this brilliance going to WASTE! People don’t change unless they want to so – I’m just wasting my typing skills on all this but I would love to see more happier people my age running around. If I’m in a elevator with people my age… they look like they would rather bite my head off than crack a smile….heathens!
Lighten – the hell – up.
What ever situation your is – it could be worse – I’m not saying your situation isn’t important… I’m just saying, do you really think it’s that bad?...really?...

I believe in true love at first site.

Jim… that was his name, the TGI Friday cutie. I’ll explain the letter J in a moment but just to add I really know how to pick ‘em. He’s the managers son! Nice *Natasha* - ‘aint it the truth!
*sigh*
Okay – well, he wasn’t working yesterday BUT the hostess that was working with him was there so I asked her all this vital info. (She thought it was cute – She was cool.) First I just asked her if he was working…
“Oh, no he’s not…”then I mentioned I thought he was adorable. She smiled, seated a party of four and we continued our conversation.
“Ha, yah well, he’s the managers son.” I know how to pick ‘em. We both started laughing. I went to my table. Unfortunately most of robin’s friends were girls! Or guys with girlfriends! (Damn it robin!) That’s okay. That’s okay. ~ So it’s the end of the night my sisters and I were leaving – the hostess was still at the door and there I was, I still didn’t have the little muffin’s name.
“It’s Jim.” Thanks. Oh and if any of my friends want to go out to dinner we’ll be going to TGI Friday’s at the Crossroads… (and no I didn’t leave my number.)
~The ‘J’ phenomenon~
Okay every since I decided boy’s didn’t have cooties… well not as many cooties… I have cute little crushes on these guys with J-names. Jonathan Brandis was the first one… my tini bopper crush. *sigh* Back to semi-reality… I started liking this guy in high school, we never really went “out” but we’d hang out and he’d take me home all that ‘cutesy’ crap. His name was Joe. Then I started stalking this guy in my music class. He was greek! Talk about tiptoeing around each other! There we were last day of school (my birthday so I had already made plans…) He asked me to a Cubs game… THE CUBS! Hindsight is 20/20. I should have gone with him. I moved to Florida – my friends sent me a yearbook… inside the outline of a puzzle piece he signed it. “I really liked you, I wish you could have stayed. – Jason” Then there was a Jeff… I think the only J-named guy I never had a ‘crush-crush’ on was Jeremy – not that he’s not a cutie, I just never had a crush on him. Ryan was an anomaly! Well kind of – he was suppose to have been named Jeremy! I also have dreams about the number 10. J is the tenth letter of the alphabet. Either it has to do with the letter J or October…? I know. This is a crazy kind of thinking… DUH! This is my blog… did you expect anything less? And now Jim….HA! this is the way my life goes….

HA! You know what I noticed today… (of course you don’t you weren’t there!) I noticed that I sing to myself ~ out loud ~ I was sitting around and playing cards and I was singing along with Rhett Miller.
“Sure,” you say, “I do that to. I sing along with the music.” Wonderful! I think it’s great and everybody should sing along. The only problem was THERE WAS NO MUSIC! There I was in front of people that didn’t know me…
‘You come and you glow and you hum and you hover – I cannot believe that you’re my lover…’ I noticed one lady staring at my wondering what my parents had done wrong. (But then again this lady is recovering from cancer and she’s still smoking – where did HER parents go wrong!)

I’ve been told I have a song for everything. Now let me say this here and now: I am not a music person. I don’t really listen to the radio. I have my own little music collection and I don’t know anyone else with comparable tastes. I know I’m a music follower. My friends will play me an album, I decide if I like it or not (most of the time not.) I know almost every oldies song played on the radio. I do believe NONE of my amigos listen to the oldies of their own free will. HA!HA! Just wait till I get my own car – if I have to drive someone somewhere MY music will be blasting in their ears!
…you’ve got a heart so big! goes all the way to California…

I like singing to myself....

...I was so excited about finally being able to go out of my house.....
the party is tomorrow!

Okay - so let me tell you about the adorable host that was helping us! He was so bloody cute. And... I didn't give him my number! I know, I know, ME queen of telling my friends "Give 'em your number!" By the way only Christian is allowed to ridicule me about this cause I bothered him the most. But damn were we flirty.

It felt great~

Plus ~ I'll get to see him tomorrow if he works!!! But now there's pressure for me to look even cuter than I did today!!! I thought I might have forgotten how to really flirt flirt... nope nope.... I still got it!!!!!!

But should I give him my number!????? *hee hee* maybe I'll just give him my address...

TONIGHT TONIGHT ~ I'll go and party tonight.....

YAH! I'm going to Robin and Todd's engagment party - I'm sure hot single stud muffins will be flaunting themselves shamelessly! I'm hope'n for at least a hot waiter....MEOW!

I'm going to wear a cute short skirt - new cons - I'm so excited!

how come things are going so well and I'm so depressed?
Quick Overview...
I used to weigh over 200lbs because of the pills I was taking, now I'm at 160 and none of my old clothes fit me! My mom had to take me shopping because my pants were literally falling off! I got a really cute gray pleated short skirt, an awesome punky pink one, two basic girlie cut t's, (one green to match my Converse the other in a light grey,) you can see a picture of my fucking awesome green and pink cons on Christian's blog (thank you Christian!) oh yah - and this button down girlie fushia shirt with black stripes... IT WAS A SMALL - the size I mean, I <- ME! fit into a small shirt, I also got a really neat (I like the word neat - so sue me) pair of black pants that are remincent of tuxedo pants... except for girls.

I love my new girlier wardrobe. I next purchse is a pair of pink Dickies. I used to have Dickies overalls, they were my favorite pants, when I worked backstage I could carry my hammer and nails, paintbrushes, string, safety pins, gum and my watergun (to spray the naked actors....there's nothing like a the wet look on your favorite actor!)... I still need more girly clothes...

Medically everything is going well, everything is on track now. My platelets are going back up - by themselves... by next week I think I'll only have to take one pill instead of the over twenty pills I used to have to take - no chemo - no nothing! (No signs of Lupus YAY!) My blood pressure is great, my pulse is a little high but I can help that out with exercise - which I have been doing! Everything is peachy.

Since I don't have to work, and I can't go to school - I have all day to do whatever the fuck I want... so what do I want? Brillant question...

I want to get my old shity job back, I want to be bored to tears in front of a college professor that looks like various forest creatures ~ depending on the angle. I want to get the hell out of my parents house (I love them dearly but I'm 24! If my mother tells me to 'clean my room' again I'm going to explode into tiny bits of flesh...) I want to learn how to drive, or rather, how to park. I want a car. A pink car. With flames. White anime flames hot on the tail of faeries on either side. I want to stop being a mooch to everyone I know! Yah, I know I was sick and I still am BUT in my mind I am the most annoying person on the damn planet. Everything needs to be done for me, I mooch for money, car rides, clothes, food, shoes... you name it I've mooched it. I HATE IT! In my next life - hermit - deep deep into the woods - I'll never have to rely on anyone. It'll be wonderfull.

I want to be someones inspiration.

I don't even know when I'll be able to be normal again... at least normal for me.

I saved a turtle today. Driving back from the hospital, we passed the Car Wash on 192 by Valencia/Big Lots area... it was slowly making it's way under the tires of huge redneck trucks. I pushed it into the grass. I stood in the pouring florida thunderstorm rain so my mother could go get a box from a store in the strip mall and so the turtle wouldn't try to hobble back into the road. We're going to take the poor thing to the Serpentariam (sp?) or GatorLand tomarrow. It's almost as big as my forearm. I'm really not allowed to touch turtles so I couldn't find out if I saved a delicate flower or a great typhoon. Girl turtles usually have a flatter bellyshell - while the boys have an arched one...::bachicawahwah::.... I like reptile people. They are the underdog of pet owners - and arguably the most passionate. I've been to reptile shows and dogs shows... some dog people are just too damn stuffy - PLUS at the reptile show the really cute guys had awesome tatoos *sigh a half!* I saved a turtle today.

Have you ever seen 'The Creator' with Peter O'Toole? I love that movie... I'm going to look for the Big Picture... I'll be right back...