…problems. The world is full of pointless problems, terribly important to whoever – virtually nonexistent to everyone else. My current crisis as such is… I like to blog. I love to blog. (What the hell kind of a word is blog?) I’m on the computer typing away frequently. I’m not the best writer – but that’s not really what it’s about is it? What do you do, show off in front of your friends? Try to tone down the truth so no one takes offence? Bullshit?
I am *so* not saying that is wrong.
Who reads blogs anyway? Who cares?! Eeeeh……. I’m just a little mad right now…cause of that problem. I kinda need the computer to blog and my mother doesn’t want me on the computer anymore. Apparently I have the computer all day… that’s her problem. She can’t say I don’t let anyone else use the computer because the truth is if anyone wants it I have no difficulty handing the computer (it’s a new nice laptop!) to whom ever wants to play with the new toy…just gimme a couple minutes to let me save whatever I’m doing and it’s yours. So right here and now people – I am saving up all my pennies for a laptop ~ Maybe I’ll paint it pink… red? *Natasha* needs her own computer keys…
Speaking of blogs – I have a blog. Also have a journal. I love my blog – I love to rant but all my real stuff goes into the journal. I have letters I’ve never sent tucked in the pages… some of the best writing I’ll ever do I think – but I’ll never send those letters. I don’t let people read my journal either.
I used to think I needed lines. All my other journals, since… oh my goodness… since the second grade? maybe? It was poems and stories and songs – doodles, lots of doodles. It was really thick inch and a half? It had bright blue binding and corner…things… it was an Asian jacquard print – I thought it was gorgeous and I still have it somewhere…… anyway, it has lines *blue ones.* My favorite kind of journal was the composition notebook (it has lines) – I think my favorite ever ~ I decorated the outside of this comp. book (I hated the cow’wannabe thing.) with black electrical tape – very straight lined – across the front and back cover. This was my freshman year in high school. That was certainly a year of change… then sophomore year *Natasha* was QUEEN of the I’m going to skip school people. In Chicago I’d skip and go to libraries and museums and zoos…. here… there’s nothing to do! My second sophomore year I got freak’n straight A’s….sad state of affairs. That was also when I got diagnosed with lupus, put on an obscene amount of prednisone, move to a new state, cut off from the whole damn world… oi… when I met Ryan I sort of stopped journaling – cause of college – I still wrote, but I focused on other creative pursuits…but no crystallized language my friends. I started up again after I got sick this last time, with a journal without lines. I feel like I've been born again. My pages are half full, I want to start shopping for some new ones. No lines......
I told someone, I’m pretty sure it was Christian, that if I got a blog I’d be forced to put all these emotional entries. I couldn’t just skim the surface, I’d be just too damn ‘open.’
“At this moment this is me at my most masochistic…” but I have to admit, all my really juicy thought processes are kept in my journal. Today I was actually going to share some of that – a letter – strike that ~ an epic poem to Ryan. I didn’t because I was feeling when I wrote it, and with the last word feeling was gone. Now the importance, urgency, and fervor are over.
The last word was cinder.
A phoenix rises up out of ashes.
Earlier today, my sister and I were driving – she had the radio on – I’m an adamant believer in whoever is driving gets to pick the music. Veruca Salt, Seather…..(sp?) was playing. Then – some weird jamaican music started playing. I asked the heavens to please make this a good song…”whenever i’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again” Granted it was not the Cure singing it – but this is the worlds greatest love song. The cover band didn’t sing the ‘fly me to the moon part.’ This is a sign. Lovesong – with Robert Smith singing would have been the best but ladies and gents… but…this is a sign. Something good is going to happen, it’s not going to be tomorrow – maybe even not next week… but it’s on the verge. Though I can’t go to the concert – their close… it’s close. The future. Something permenante.
I am *so* not saying that is wrong.
Who reads blogs anyway? Who cares?! Eeeeh……. I’m just a little mad right now…cause of that problem. I kinda need the computer to blog and my mother doesn’t want me on the computer anymore. Apparently I have the computer all day… that’s her problem. She can’t say I don’t let anyone else use the computer because the truth is if anyone wants it I have no difficulty handing the computer (it’s a new nice laptop!) to whom ever wants to play with the new toy…just gimme a couple minutes to let me save whatever I’m doing and it’s yours. So right here and now people – I am saving up all my pennies for a laptop ~ Maybe I’ll paint it pink… red? *Natasha* needs her own computer keys…
Speaking of blogs – I have a blog. Also have a journal. I love my blog – I love to rant but all my real stuff goes into the journal. I have letters I’ve never sent tucked in the pages… some of the best writing I’ll ever do I think – but I’ll never send those letters. I don’t let people read my journal either.
I used to think I needed lines. All my other journals, since… oh my goodness… since the second grade? maybe? It was poems and stories and songs – doodles, lots of doodles. It was really thick inch and a half? It had bright blue binding and corner…things… it was an Asian jacquard print – I thought it was gorgeous and I still have it somewhere…… anyway, it has lines *blue ones.* My favorite kind of journal was the composition notebook (it has lines) – I think my favorite ever ~ I decorated the outside of this comp. book (I hated the cow’wannabe thing.) with black electrical tape – very straight lined – across the front and back cover. This was my freshman year in high school. That was certainly a year of change… then sophomore year *Natasha* was QUEEN of the I’m going to skip school people. In Chicago I’d skip and go to libraries and museums and zoos…. here… there’s nothing to do! My second sophomore year I got freak’n straight A’s….sad state of affairs. That was also when I got diagnosed with lupus, put on an obscene amount of prednisone, move to a new state, cut off from the whole damn world… oi… when I met Ryan I sort of stopped journaling – cause of college – I still wrote, but I focused on other creative pursuits…but no crystallized language my friends. I started up again after I got sick this last time, with a journal without lines. I feel like I've been born again. My pages are half full, I want to start shopping for some new ones. No lines......
I told someone, I’m pretty sure it was Christian, that if I got a blog I’d be forced to put all these emotional entries. I couldn’t just skim the surface, I’d be just too damn ‘open.’
“At this moment this is me at my most masochistic…” but I have to admit, all my really juicy thought processes are kept in my journal. Today I was actually going to share some of that – a letter – strike that ~ an epic poem to Ryan. I didn’t because I was feeling when I wrote it, and with the last word feeling was gone. Now the importance, urgency, and fervor are over.
The last word was cinder.
A phoenix rises up out of ashes.
Earlier today, my sister and I were driving – she had the radio on – I’m an adamant believer in whoever is driving gets to pick the music. Veruca Salt, Seather…..(sp?) was playing. Then – some weird jamaican music started playing. I asked the heavens to please make this a good song…”whenever i’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again” Granted it was not the Cure singing it – but this is the worlds greatest love song. The cover band didn’t sing the ‘fly me to the moon part.’ This is a sign. Lovesong – with Robert Smith singing would have been the best but ladies and gents… but…this is a sign. Something good is going to happen, it’s not going to be tomorrow – maybe even not next week… but it’s on the verge. Though I can’t go to the concert – their close… it’s close. The future. Something permenante.
posted by *Natasha* @ 5:35 PM
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